My Dad's New Life

My Father's Days

"Who is this man?"
I'm not as confused as I am damn-near heartbroken. Tears welling even as I write this. But I have to write it. I gotta get this out somehow, because I had only one cry over it so far, and if I don't get it out somehow I fear it will live inside me and eat at my desire to Live. If you don’t want to read any further, go here. I need to share somehow what life can be like, even when you appear totally normal, happy, and completely free of anti-depressants.

60 years old, to be 61 in October, Gerry Lott, my father, is not the same man he was 5 years ago. Other than tall, my dad has been pretty much everything most kids want in a dad. I fault him not for his height Smart, caring, funny, mentoring, encouraging, firm, hard-working, steadfast in his faith, paper-reading, cologne-wearing, golf-playing, whispering dirty jokes and able to run 5 miles in under 45 minutes. So very proud of his children, even when I messed up, and prouder still when I would man-up and right my wrongs. He's always been fair, a great listener, a man of intellect in life and business, and if he didn't know the answer, he'd make me look it up. Whatever he achieved, he wants better for his kids by 1000-fold. He was meant to be a Dad, and he has been amazing at it.

He is very different now. He's still here. But it's not him. It's him. But it's not. He's here, but he's not here. Some of you know what I'm talking about. Really though, I'll explain another time when I'm not sitting at work cursing and questioning the existence of the God my dad helped me learn about and seek answers from when I couldn't think of anything else to do. The God of all creation and destruction. With what I feel today, I could totally take God. Blasphemous? Yes. But until my heart quits feeling like it's trying to run from my body, so these feelings of impending loss and fear will not cloud into my career and social life, I waver between asking God to protect my family, and ordering God to stop it all and set the clock back 5 years. How about 3?

It's not going to happen. And all I can do for now is write about it. All I can do for now is write about it? For now.